I gets knots easily.Knots in my stomach.
Knots in my neck and back.
Knots in my throat.
Knots of fear in my heart.
The knots lead to pain.
And the pain is the screaming of my heart…the reminder to breathe.
I have to remind myself to breathe. If I don’t, I’ll go through the whole day breathing shallow and holding it all in until I collapse in a sore, achy, painful heap on my bed at the end of the day. And if I’m doing even sort of okay, I’ll hold in the tears and the questions and the thoughts that maybe I’m doing something wrong until, after tossing in bed all night, I’ll get up and do it all over the next day.
But I can only hold my breath for so long.
And when I finally collapse from the lack of oxygen, I wonder why I did it and how was it worth it?
Days of physical pain turn to months of questioning and frustration and wondering what’s wrong with myself. And somewhere in all the crazy and the pain and the breath holding, it hits me. This pain…I’m choosing it.
I’m choosing to hold it all in and do it all myself and never slow down enough to see the grace gifts pouring over me. And all the while my Father is looking down begging me to let go…to give Him control.
Not because He’s a crazy, control freak like me, but because He knows that once I surrender I’ll be able to breathe again. And if I rest and trust and breathe the pain will vanish and I’ll see the grace gifts surrounding me and I’ll be able to sing the song of my breath…that He is awesome and holy.
So sisters, let’s give up control and give it to Him. Let’s slow down long enough to breathe in Him. I promise, the pain will vanish.