Sun is sparkling off the water and through the leaves so brightly my eyes hurt to look. Painful beauty…have you ever felt that?
I don’t know that I have ever experienced the range of emotions in such a small period. Today it’s as if my body is on emotional shutdown after all it experienced yesterday.
Waves lap the boardwalk beneath my feet, the smell of salt water mingled with fresh water gently wraps around me, and the sun lingers gently, quietly pushing back the cool breeze.
Lord, how? How can I both mourn and celebrate at the same time? How can I grieve for loss and yet celebrate new life at the same time?
Wednesday will forever be imprinted in my mind. The look on Travis’ face as he handed my the phone, tears streaming down before I even heard the words…”Grandma passed away this morning. I was there. She went quicklt and peacefully. She was not in pain.”
Surprised, yet not.
Pain, tears, confusion.
Yet just a few minutes before I had been in a different hospital waiting patiently with a dear friend laboring to bring new life into the world.
Tears, talking, confusion, emotions…I had to allow life to continue on. To see joy, to help others. What could I do from 3500 miles away?
More phone conversations.
Stumbling through work trying to be helpful and gentle and patient.
Praying, praying, praying.
Thankful for the time I had.
Regretting the times I missed.
I just wish I could hug my mother. To hold her, to comfort her, to be with her…
And as a dark fog closed in around me the moment of new life grew closer. There again…joy and pain, brightness and darkness.
Trying to carry on life as normal is never as easy nor as perfect a solution as it sounds.
Stumbling through the next 5 or six hours, my emotions seemed completely unpredictable and uncontrollable. And then, during a moment of peace and stability, joy sprang through. Despite my grandma’s passing, my mother decided to go through with her surprise visit to Florida to see Travis and I.
I didn’t even read the whole text revealing her surprise before I was crying…this time tears of joy. At the airport 3 hours later were tears of mingled joy and pain. Mourning for the loss of a mother and grandmother yet also celebrating the reuniting of mother and daughter.
Joy and pain
Tears and smiles
Mourning and celebrating
A beautiful reuniting, with Divine fingerprints sprinkled in it’s timing.
And yet another hour later, new life was brought forth.
More prayers for peace, for comfort, for balance.
And the sun still sparkles on the water…and the waves lap on the boardwalk beneath me…and He is still there washing me, holding me, making me free. And life goes on in it’s joys and it’s pains and it’s life and it’s death. And all I can do is praise for the time we had, rejoice in the life anew, and soak in every smile and word falling from my mother’s lips while she is here.
Praying and praising.
Mourning and rejoicing.
Bless the Lord oh my soul!
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I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain of losing someone so close, and I pray that you find comfort in His arms.
Thanks Hannah! I really appreciate it. =)