I want this blog to grow.I want people to praise my wisdom.
I want women across the world awed by my knowledge of God’s Word.
I want my name to be known.
I want the story I live to be told far and wide.
I want…the glory.
Oh sisters, it is with tears that I write these words that are so ugly and yet so true. And with even more tears I realize that so often, I look these thoughts and desires in the face…unblinking, no tears, and not a hint of shame.
My pride is ugly, but even uglier are the many times I think these thoughts and don’t even want to be different.
And then, in moments of communion with my Savior, it all becomes clear. I see the pride for what it is.
My heart breaks to think that I would desire to claim the glory for the story of my life that is being written by Him and for Him anyways. I would never dream of claiming another author’s work as my own, so how could I justify claiming the beautiful work of the Author of my very life?
Sisters, I have shared about my pride and my legalism. And this blog is just another huge opportunity for that ugliness to surface. So often, I think I should just quit. I should just eliminate this area of temptation for pride form my life.
But over and over again, He has said no.
He will not let me stop!
Oh sisters, sometimes it is hard! But to stop writing this blog, would only be the easy way out. It would be wrong. It would be truly wrong to disobey what God has told me to do because of an area of sin it is revealing in me.
The much harder path is to continue on, trying and failing and then tearfully running back to Him for more grace. And sisters, His grace is enough. As often as I use this blog to build my ugly, prideful ego, He will forgive and heal and pour grace into my life and heart more often.
“Will it ever get easier?” I wonder, “Will this struggle ever cease?”
And my heart knows that it never will. I may learn to run to Him the moment those feelings surge, but I know that the struggle will always be there, lurking in my heart. My heart and mind begin to swirl with the overwhelming thought of dealing with this broken heart today and tomorrow and the next day and the next. But as my mind and emotions teeter on the brink of collapse, a gentle reminder is whispered into my overwhelmed soul.
“Daughter, if this constant battle with your pride does not bringing you back to me daily, then what will? Don’t be overwhelmed, be encouraged that this struggle will help you hold to Me all the tighter.”
And joy springs from some place deep inside…a joy full of thankfulness and the reassurance that He is enough. I am humbled by His grace, and it is in this place that I want to forever stay.