The fireworks crack loud in the first few moments of the New Year. I’m laying in bed…listening. My heart is quiet…too quiet, too still. The new year is finally here, and I’m holding my breath in the dark those first few moments. Waiting…as if in my the soft and safe of my bed I’ll be able to hear it whisper of what’s to come.
And these first few days have been just that. Still. A breath holding. A waiting.
And I’m teetering on the edge of the pool not sure what I’m waiting for. So finally, slowly, day-by-day, I’m dipping my toe into the unknown of today.
As if I could stop the caldenar’s relentless marching forward if I wanted. As if that would somehow help…or give me clarity.
And my husbands been nudging me in. Encouraging me to start strong.
I’d rather just snuggle up with an empty planner and my short list of goals and wait. But the calendar won’t wait…my life won’t wait.
Yesterday, as I launched into analyzing 2013 and preparing for a 2014 that’s already here, I finally wrote it all out. Why I’m a little afraid…a little shy.
It’s not because I don’t have goals or dreams.
It’s not because I haven’t chosen a word.
It’s not because I loved 2013 so much that I don’t want to move on.
It’s not even because I have huge, giant scary goals for 2014.
In fact, it’s the opposite…
It’s because the goals I have aren’t big and scary. It’s because the goals I have are small…vague. Or at least they seem small compared to others. Don’t get me wrong, these goals are on my heart strong and have been for a long time, but I’m just afraid it’s not enough.
I told it to my hubby on New Years Eve…I have big goals ready, but I feel like God is saying, “Wait. Live a little more. It’s not the right time yet.” So I feel a little bit lost and a little bit all alone and a little bit wondering what this year will bring with my small, 3 heart goals and my one running goal.
Those goals I have? The big ones? They excite me. And scare me. And I can’t wait till He says, “Now.” But in the waiting process, I’m afraid. With everyone around me ‘saying yes’ and ‘dreaming big’ and ‘starting’ this New Year, I’m afraid of being little. I’m afraid of my big goals being small, or repeats of last year’s I-didn’t-quite-make-it goals.
And I wonder when I started thinking that God despises the small things…
Or the heart things…
Because in one sense, my goals are big.
There’s a lot to do in my heart and there a lot God started in my heart last year, that has a long way to go. So maybe, before it’s time for those big dreams, I have just a little more growing and little more learning to live and a little more deep heart work to do. And that’s scary…
It’s scary because I have to lay down my pride and admit that I’m not perfect. That I’m not ready. That God is growing and shaping me.
And this humbling…it’s good.
It’s good for God to say, “Wait.” It’s good for me to need to be small and stay small. It’s good to need more time to grow, because even in the waiting and the growing, there’s so much doing that God has for me.
So here’s to a new and small 2014.
To staying small and waiting at His feet and waiting and learning and growing.
Have you ever felt like this? What is God telling you for this New Year?